A Tale of Love & Faith
Tola cried from the pits of her stomach soiling the perfumed sheet of paper on which she wrote. Her manicured pretty fingers quivered, overwhelmed with the feelings she forced to share with ink on paper. I hurt she wrote - do you know what that means, she thought. Tola looked into the air seeing his bright boyish smile and she found herself helplessly smiling back when she ought to throw stones at that image so it stops fluttering in her face and fueling the acid line trailing through her chest and heart. The more she struggled to put words in ink, the more to life his face popped in her eye, just the way it kept popping in from the first time her eyes were set on him 2 years ago on a late night at a lonesome restaurant.
That night, 26 yr old Tola decided to give herself a treat and stop bemoaning her spinsters life. Tonight, was her first night in a new town with a new job, new hopes and new dreams. She casually glanced through the menu without a care in the world just the tipsy edge of conviction of the best ahead. Pretty Tola, was happy for no reason at all, till she heard the voice say “Hello” and she looked up into the most charming looks ever bestowed on a man without exaggerations. As she replied “Hi” to Bola, she realized now why she had been happy. It was the day she was to meet Him. He turned out everything and more than she ever dreamed of; when she found herself in bed with him just 6 months afterwards without being wed; that never occurred in her dreams.
Life was bliss and more. Even her boss Iza couldn't but sense it at her daughters wedding when Tola was a guest. Ever since Iza discovered the “B” in Tola's initials stood for Baseerat, she had been curious at this brilliant young lady who had no semblance in act, speech or dress to Islam. Iza couldn't stop her gaze falling on Tola in the company of Bola, mesmerizing like it was their own wedding. They aren't married, that I'm sure thought Iza. The wedding activities continued till 1p.m when a Solat- muslim prayer break was announced.
"We are off for Solat, come along” Iza nudged.
"Okay" Tola replied not wanting to but going all the same. How did she know I was Muslim, I don't want to pray, she thought. Then she remembered
"Ehmm- my dress is not appropriate though"
“Oh, don't worry. There are overalls there you could use
“Oh, okay Tola replied, strolling humbly by her. Solat! When last had she observed one? The hollow she had been avoiding stared in her face. It was just a 5 minutes walk to the masjeed popularly called mosque, but it seemed like 5 hours; too long a time not to reflect on her inner wars. Why had she stopped praying? She had left her hometown after primary school to live with her uncle in the city. Was it city life that got to her? No, it wasn't. It was being in school more than home that got to her. Campus life was fun filled and full of adventure, her perfect past time. Partying and clubbing conflicted drastically with her 5 daily prayers and Islamic mode of dressing. One had to go, she chose the latter.
"Your fiancé left rather early" Iza asked
“My..."still lost in her thoughts.
Your fiancé"
“Fiancé- oh you mean Bola" Tola said laughing at how Iza as smart as she was, could be like others who always jumped to conclusion.
"What's funny?”
“Sorry, its just everyone keeps saying that… We are just dating, not engaged yet" though she silently wished they were from the first day she gave herself to him, her first.
Iza was perturbed. She knew she had to have a talk with Tola like yesterday, but it had to wait, the Imam had started the congregational prayer.
"There you" are Iza exclaimed with joy.
Tola felt uneasy. Why was Iza excited to see her like they were friends?
“You didn't wait for me after the prayers”
“Oh sorry”
“No problem...hmm”
Tola felt more uneasy and made a lucky guess what this was all about. So Iza was like all of them after all. Its hard to find hijab wearing women who weren't preachers as well.
"Hope you dont mind, I want to ..."
“No, go ahead"
"As Muslims, we are fortunate to have the Quran and Hadith as our guide…”
"Is this about my relationship with Bola"
“Well..that and ”
"Don't bother, I know fornication is sin"
"Then why..."
"I appreciate your concern but its my life, I know what I'm doing"
“You don't need to be intimate before marriage. Marriage is pure and demands purity. No naughty business before marriage. In fact no boyfriend- girlfriend, test runs. Keep your dignity, sexual health and relationship with your Lord healthy. You know deep in your heart you are not happy..”
“On the contrary no one's happier than I am.”
Tola gets up saying "Sorry, thanks but Im fine"
Iza was too fired up with concern to end the discussion.
“Tola, is love a commodity, sex the price? Love in marriage and not mere profession of love should be the license to sex."
“What you're saying is that we should abstain?"
“More than that, I wish you could do a turn around and find out the best route to getting wed without sin"
"Like arranged marriage to someone I hardly know"
“That's not part of Islam. Islam definitely advocates marriage to someone you love… but not lust.”
"Sorry, I really have to be on my way."
“Ok, Assalamu alaykum" Iza withdraws as Tola silently picks her tastefully embroided purse from the table.
"I said assalamu alaykum?" Iza softly repeated anticipating Tola's expected reply.
“Oh sorry wa alayk…ehm wa alaykumu salam.”
Tola hated Iza as she tossed in bed that night. Why did Iza have to bring up all of that? It made her remember the spiritual bliss she felt when she still used to pray; How calm she used to be and less troubled about all matters. She missed the company of Muslim sisters in their circle of knowledge, learning, sharing and genuinely caring about each other. Tola knew the short clingy dresses she wore were inappropriate but she had come to enjoy the compliments to her figure as she flaunted it, cautiously choosing clothes that did justice to that. Tola had a hard time fighting off male admirers that ogled after her especially those who had the audacity to utter the most obscene words in an attempt at flattery. Her lecturer once told her - You've got a lovely shape.
She remembered regretfully answering back- Thank you sir . The 'Sir' she added didn't humble her lecturer from backing off. He rather lustfully added, "You are so nicely shaped to fit within my hands and beneath..." she hissed and walked off before he could complete the nonsense he was saying without giving a damn to the consequences of snubbing her lecturer. She paid for it, for he replaced her compliments with scorn and she remembered how embarrassing that was. Her soul yearned for her to dress decently again like before she got to the university but just like now, feeling the same way, she found she couldn't and didn't have the will power to oblige her soul. The rhythm of a knock bashed her thoughts. She rushed to the door and into the arms of Bola away from Iza and her conscience. With Tola by her side, all was well with the world.
Tola was travelling home on a week's break the next morning. As usual parting was heartbreaking for them and disgusting to other commuters as they exchanged poetry at the bus station. 'Stupidity' hissed one passenger, but Tola cared less as her heart was in turmoil at the weeklong break away from Bola.
***
Her uncle was excited to see her, for its been 5 months since she was away; he had come to love her seemingly more than his children, whose exotic foreign degrees couldn't bag them any jobs and especially after her job as a translator to an N.G.O put her on a pay package in foreign currency. It was a miraculous break for him and his entire family who had suddenly slumped from grace to grass.
"Tola my dear, you are welcome”
“Thanks Dad." Tola revered uncle Bolu. He meant the world to her, he was just like a dad to her. He was her life saver. After all, he was the one who insisted she followed him to the city and start her secondary school there. As if that wasn't good enough, he also got her admitted into a university to study Yoruba. She remembered her devilish friends who were hell bent on her seeing Uncle Bolu as a partial man, for insisting she studied in Nigeria while his OWN children studied abroad. Tola wasn't one to fool herself. She knew of others in her shoes that never had the opportunity of dreaming of admission into the university and were still equally excited at the opportunity to learn a trade. Uncle Bolu was her saint and she loved him for that. She was doubly excited when she took a chance and applied for the translators job with an international N.G.O and got it just timely enough for when uncle Bolu lost his business due to affiliation to a corrupt past government. Most of his accounts were frozen and penury like he had never experienced fell all over him. Tola gladly sprang to action and lavished a chunk of her robust salary on uncle Bolu, the best uncle in the world. The love was mutual between uncle Bolu and Tola, that was why for the first time she became genuinely worried when he shared his concerns about her not being married yet.
"When is your Bola coming to ask for your hand"
“Ehmm.." she wanted to lie but the right words didn't come.
"I don't know sir"she said courteously.
“The best gift a man can give the woman he loves is marriage"
Those were the last words her brain comprehended as she was thrown in despair. She repeatedly asked herself does Bola love me?.
It seemed the theme of this holiday was marriage. Her Father, mother and Aunty- Uncle Bolu's wife had similar private talks with her. The depth of their concern was too much for her to bear. It turned out to be a horrible break such that seeing Bola at the end of it only dampened her feelings for the first time ever.
“My love, what's come over you?”
“Am I really your love? Tola stared him straight in the eye for she had to know.
“Did someone die? asked a bewildered Bola. He was convinced she had to be in shock.
Tola almost laughed but her mouth wouldn't buldge, neither would the emotions to conjure such an action.
“No one died”
Marry me- Tola screamed silently to herself but her pride wouldn't let them form into words. It didn't happen that way. He was going to surprise her one day with a ring on a romantic date, kneel and announce- 'would you marry me'.
“Tola...there's something I've to tell you”
Is this it? Tola cautiously didn't get excited.
***
All these memories rocked her body worse as she hugged her pillow tighter, damp with her tears.
***
No! it wasn't . It was rather something worse.
"There was an accident"
"Oh my God, where, how?" snapping off her somber mood."
“No, no, not that type of accident,… forgive me"
Tola suddenly understood.
“That's trash you're saying"
“Honestly, it was an accident. It was a party, I was drunk, she kept coming unto me and my friends were in on it, I.."
"Get out" Tola cried
“Please hear me out"
"I said get out"
He didn't. He rushed to her and held her tightly as she hit him with her frail weak arms. Exhausted from the nauseating taste of betrayal, she pushed him off but she couldn't and realized, she didn't want to because ...she had missed him. The thing with Bola, it was an addiction. When they woke the next day, she had forgiven him. He's only human, she's only human. He was there that's all that mattered.
But then she had the itch, which she noticed he also had. Was the accident reoccurring? She couldn't ask, she couldn't bear the truth nor bear to be lied to. She treated herself and remained silent and life continued but the period didn't come. Then the worry came again. This talk couldn't be put off.
"I missed my period"
"So?"
"So…, is that what you are going to say?”
"What am I to say? You're not a kid, how did that happen?"
"Like you don't know"
"Stop playing dumb, you know what I mean"
“Are you drunk, what happened to feeling excited that we are bringing in a child to this world?”
“That's for married couples"
“Then what's for unmarried couples-endless life of being unmarried?"
“Marriage is not on my tables now"
“If not now, then when?"
"I have to be somewhere"
Tola laughed in shock.
"Consider this relationship over" she screamed after him.
“Whatever" Bola whispered as he stormed out of her room and her specially prepared meal meant to celebrate the much anticipated new direction their relationship was supposed to head.
***
'I hurt'. She scribbled again. Had she suddenly gone dumb, she wondered. Why weren't there other words to use? This wasn't a moment for intelligence. It was a bright sunny Tuesday morning just like yesterday when she didn't go to work because on Sunday, Bola had called to apologize and offer her a drug to bring back the period. She had told him to swallow his apologies and drug gift because the period had come back itself. She cut the call and hadn't picked his call since then. But the pain had been choking her so she decided to write him a note. So her heart could let it seep off and let her be. She was fed up of the insanity, was she planning to lose her job. She hadn't even called in sick. By sunset, she desperately needed to regain her senses and then she remembered Iza. She had spoken to her of repentance. Iza had explained, it was a simple deal. No ceremony, no pittance. Just a promise to your Lord, that you've realized how wrong you had acted in the past, doing things He had forbidden and as such was never going to do any of that stuff again. Repentance came with a bumper package of forgiveness and a surge of fresh new unsinful life. The thought was soothing, but then she remembered sincerity. ‘You don't repent then go back to that sin Iza had warned. Wow! That part though ...that was something. How could she purge her being completely of Bola when his name came off with her breath. Iza had assured her repentance was doable. Tola suddenly had this urgent need to talk to Iza as she crumpled the disgrace of a note and tossed it away. She got dressed with a determined heart, she wanted a new unsinful life, she decided to talk to Iza about it. Tola rushed for the door only to meet Bola, she couldn't resist his bright boyish smile as he walked past her into her room. She thought she was dreaming as she saw him kneel.
"Marry me."
Unlike in her dreams, Tola didn't scream 'Yes' in response, nor did she say 'yes' at all. With repentance on her mind she simply said
"Bola...we need to talk"
The End
